Yesterday started a 2-week leave from work. I was supposed to go on a work trip for 8 days but found out that the presence of my kid/husband duo anywhere near the conference was unacceptable to the organizers. Hence, I'm just taking some time off instead. I could go into my righteous rage about the whole thing but why bother...
Especially when yesterday I ate McDonald's Sausage Biscuit & 2 hashbrowns for breakfast after I dropped off my son at school and today I ate an entire bag of donettes. They were disgusting. The biscuit yesterday, well, that was tasty and fatty and salty. Today was just gross. And yet I continued to eat them. I often have a sense that I want to punish myself for something with this kind of behavior. Maybe it's simpler than that and I'm making it complex by imagining this, but it's what I feel like. I had a stomachache and feel yet again: remorse and shame. Alas, such themes for a young life. It's not like I'm not happy with my life. I adore my life. A great job, a husband who is my equal and a son who likes to cuddle and who gives me reasons to marvel at the creation each day. We're getting out of debt, we're creating stability, hell, we just rearranged the living room and I love it. Life is not bad. But sometimes I think I have to keep hold of this particular demon or else...I might just get too happy.
I've often worried that if I start to really pray--like, actually spend some time contemplating my life and seeking God's will for my life in a more active way that is not distracted by so many things, that I just might have to change my life. And God forgive me, I haven't been willing to change yet. I don't even know what it is I think I'd be giving up. Or maybe I do know. Maybe I'd have to give up laziness and self-pity and the shame/remorse spiral and really live. And I don't know if I can convince myself to just do it.
Having a kid helps. It makes me want to do better so he can do even better than we do. I've one-upped my mother in this sense--self-awareness and plumbing the depths of my soul. I understand the patterns and behaviors of my family of origin, I can tap that when in difficult situations and generally get myself out. I have been in therapy for a decade on and off and I've grown and grown in my strength of self and peace. But I still haven't let go of this one demon. This one demon...well, I don't know what it would be to live without him. And until now, I haven't dared explore what it might be without him.
