Brain...freeze?

I have a headache. I ate 1/2 a pint of Ben & Jerry's Stephen Colbert ice cream and my head hurts. It's not unusual anymore. It happens whenever I eat sugar in any great amount. The fact that we've had a bag of candy corn in the office kitchen has not been helpful. A handful of those cost me 3 ibuprofen. Full confession: I preceded the stupid ice cream with stupid 3 tacos from Taco Bell. At 9pm at night. Sigh. Impressive to find myself so filled with shame and regret AGAIN. Every time, every time, every time. I suppose this is the nature of addiction of any kind, but I am intelligent, self-aware, in therapy, for love's sake. Doing it again and again...how does one create the discipline within oneself to avoid it day after day after day?

Gauntlet.

Having thrown down this here proverbial gauntlet in a completely private forum that I have so far only mentioned in passing to my husband, I find myself thinking more about all the sugars to combat.

Leaving "sweets" behind is one thing. I can imagine doing that. It'd be kind of sad. Especially because my kid is little and it will feel like I'm taking something away from him by not enjoying little treats with him along the way. But isn't that A CROCK I'm telling myself! Wow, I can contort things just that fast...hence a need for accountability. My kid doesn't need me to eat his popscicle to know I love him.

But food conveys messages. Especially in our family. Our son is still a bit of a picky eater creeping up on 2 years old and so sometimes meal times are a challenge. So when he eats something that one of us has made, we're both over the moon. Not just because he's ingested something besides chicken nuggets and bananas, but because He Likes My Food.

But yes, so sweets, I can fathom parting with sweets. But the rest...oh, you evil temptresses, I know you want me as much as I want you.

I had 3 cocktails on Friday night--more than I've had in ages. And they were delicious. And they were STRONG. It was fun and my inhibition was down and I was with a good friend and...am I giving up that occasional alcoholic splurge? My job is one that doesn't allow for the 'letting of hair down' in too many settings. One could argue (and I still am, with myself) that it was a poor choice to have those 3 delightful cocktails on Friday. The setting was perhaps not as appropriate as others. But goodness, it felt FUN. I drank pink drinks with a middle-age gay man and I haven't done that in YEARS. Doing that...well, it feels like me in a way that much of my life doesn't relate to anymore.

Maybe that's part of this blogging too. To have a forum in which I talk about all the mes I have been so I can figure out which person I'm about to become.

Leaving Sugar Behind...

I will be 35 years old on January 17, 2012. On that day, I will leave sugar behind.

When I was pregnant during 2009, I dabbled in blood sugar issues. I never got the gestational diabetes diagnosis, but toward the end I had to test my blood sugar 4 times a day, not eat sugar, etc. I often dreamt of birthing my baby and simultaneously eating a glazed doughnut.

Now, the good part is that during that last month or two of my pregnancy, all I ate was vegetables and protein. Since I was pursuing natural childbirth, the protein was right on par with the program. Consequently, I lost 20 lbs while I was pregnant. Don't worry--I started out overweight, so I was in a position that it was actually healthy for me to lose weight during pregnancy as opposed to smaller mamas who need to pack some weight on to take care of their little womb-dwellers.

So I came out ahead. I was a size 24 going into pregnancy and came out a size 18. It was awesome. And when my midwife said I'd burn 1000 calories a day breast-feeding, I considered it carte blanche to eat however and whenever I wanted. Sigh. My son will be 2 in a couple weeks and I back to a size 22. Blerg.

And unfortunately, word on the street (or you know, not so much the street, but in Ye Olde Doctor's Office) is that once you have the gestational diabetes, you're pretty at risk for Type 2 Diabetes. Double blerg.

I don't want diabetes. As I hear it, it sucks. And since this whole 'it can be controlled through good diet' thing seems to be the case, I know that I just need to live a diabetic diet for the rest of my life. I need to let go of the foods that have comforted me, embraced me, sickened me, shamed me. I need to let go of the things that cannot possibly do me any good and live. Not only for me, but for my child to learn about it too. This is NOT a diet. This is me. Sugar Free Me. I'm leaving sugar behind in 96 days.

Since I want to document this journey for some perverse reason, and because I want to feel accountable to more than just myself, I have taken to the blog world. I roll my eyes at myself for 'joining up', but hey--perfectly dignified people do this, right?

96 days.